Part 4 in the "Love, Romance & Marriage" Series
The Beauty of Fidelity... by Shelley Hendrix
I always want to be so careful how much I share of my personal story when it involves other people and their stories. So, without going into details, I just want to start off by saying that because of the choices others have made in my life and strongholds loved ones have had, as a female, this was a very, very sensitive subject for me most of my life. I wanted to find security in a relationship with a man, but was honestly afraid that wasn't possible. This kept me guarded for a long, long time.
I wondered if a man could ever find me to be enough both in real life and in what he chose to use as "entertainment." I wondered for women if one man could really be enough to satisfy her emotional needs and offer her the security she craved.
So, I set out on a bit of a quest to find out the answer to this question: "If God made us this way, knowing the struggle we would have with it, how is it a good thing that He made us so different from one another?" My husband has said so many times how much he wishes a husband and wife could swap places for even 24 hours in order to understand one another better. We've learned over the past decade + together that God designed marriage in such a way as to help us learn this without having to experience a "Freaky Friday." It just takes time. It takes commitment. And it takes humility--to trust God and to place ourselves under His authority as He works in and through us both as individuals and as a couple.
For me specifically, the first and main topic I wanted to tackle was how in the world it was a good thing that God made my husband to be visually stimulated knowing I would only get older (and deal with all the physical realities of that) while the temptation would always be available in a younger, more beautiful package than I'd be able to offer.
Maybe you've never struggled to understand how this is a good thing. But for those of you who have or still do, I want to invite you to stick around a few minutes while I share my story.
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I knew my friend, *Deborah would have the answer for me. I was in my mid-20's and she in her 50's. Besides that, she was a counselor who had become a trusted friend. As I struggled with this one issue that seemed to always be present in my marriage (especially), I felt confident that Deborah would have the answer that would bring me peace. I asked her, "How is it a good thing that my husband was created to be visually stimulated even though I, as his wife, will only get older and less physically attractive as the years go by? How in the world is this a 'good thing' for me? How in the world can I compete?"
Her answer surprised me. She simply said, "When you figure that out, please let me know. I still struggle with this myself." She recommended a book to me to read (a book by men for men) and as I read the first few chapters it only increased my insecurity. I wanted to throw it across the room and never look at another man again. I'm thankful I kept reading.
Through that book and others, especially God's own Word, God began to reveal some important, life-changing, peace-giving, security-offering truths. This is the first time I've ever shared this part of my journey in a public setting. I hope it helps someone out there in some way:
1) The beauty of fidelity is in the Choice.
I remember a time when my daughter shared with me that she was tempted to do something, knowing she'd get away with it. She knew I'd most likely never find out about this activity and that, as far as she knew, there wouldn't be any painful consequences. But she chose not to do it. When she shared this experience with me, I was overjoyed!! Knowing that she had the opportunity, but chose to do the right thing and chose to honor herself, her family, and her God was a blessing all parents desire. If she had obeyed out of fear of the consequences, that would be one thing. It might keep her safe and I'd be grateful for that; but the fact that she made the choice out of love and respect meant even more.2) If you aren't given the choice, there is no love. If I didn't have the opportunity to choose my husband again and again every day, then where is the love? I used to wish God would just program a man when he gets married to only be interested in his own wife--like a switch would turn on or off in his brain that would make a woman totally secure in her husband's faithfulness once they said, "I do." It felt safer. I desired a husband who wouldn't even have the ability to find another female attractive. I had been so wounded by this in different ways and it just seemed like God made a mistake in how He designed us. Maybe it would be safer if God did that; but it would not be love. Love comes when one person chooses another, knowing the option to leave is available to them. Forced love isn't love. Our Heavenly Father knows that if we strive to sin less we may never learn how to love. But when we learn how to love--and this always involves a choice--then we will inevitably sin (i.e. hurt God, ourselves and others) less.
3) When I choose my mate, I allow him/her to become the standard by which others are compared rather than visa-versa. As I choose Stephen to be the one I allow to meet my needs emotionally--as he is equipped to do so--I am giving him the unique place in my life to be the one who sets the standard of what is attractive to me. And, as Stephen allows me to be the only one he gives his eyes permission to gaze at, enjoy, "etc", he is allowing me to become his standard of beauty. When a man chooses to get his visual stimuli going by multiple images and/or women, his wife will never be able to compete. (Just think of the supermodels who have divorced their cheating husbands!) But when a man chooses, like Job, to make a covenant with his eyes not to look with lust at other women, he is giving his wife an amazing position in his own life.
It always boggles our minds as a couple when we hear people say that physical intimacy within marriage is boring; or that there is a fear it would become boring. Nothing could be further from the truth! The beauty of faithfulness within marriage is in the choice. Every day, I choose Stephen Hendrix all over again. Every day, he chooses me again. This keeps romance, friendship, and passion alive within our relationship.
I have been saying a new thing to him for about a year or so now and it's simply this, "I love 'us'." I love the "us" that God has brought into being; I love the "us" we are today; and I love the "us" we are becoming as we grow in greater intimacy and friendship. I know the enemy of our souls would love nothing more than to come between us as a couple--and boy has he tried! I have a feeling that as I post this, he will do his dead-level best to throw a wrench in this very area, and so I humbly covet your prayers for my marriage.
If you would like for us to pray for you and your marriage, please don't hesitate to let me know. It would be my honor to lift you up. You can email me confidentially and directly at shelley@church4chicks.com
Additionally, if you need someone to walk with you through a challenging season or situation as an individual or as a couple, there are some great resources you can find at www.hqmg.org that I encourage you to look into.
If you are dealing with the painful consequences of infidelity or if pornography is impacting the intimacy in your relationship, another resource I trust is Route1520.com.
*I changed the name out of respect for privacy.
