When I sat down with him and got through the initial pleasantries of “How are you?” “Fine,” and the like, I began to say what I had rehearsed in my mind. As soon as the words “I feel….” began to escape my lips, he stopped me right then and there. His interrupted me with, “We aren’t here to discuss feelings. I don’t want to hear you use those words. I want to hear what you believe because that is what is going to determine how you get through all of this.” It took me by surprise because I thought counselors wanted clients to discuss their feelings—something I had never been really comfortable doing, but thought it was to be expected. I thought of all the places that would be safe enough to be brutally honest, a counseling office would be it. Nope. After that initial and brief shock, I was in fact relieved. I didn’t actually want to discuss the fact that I was feeling violated, rejected, abandoned, used, and afraid. It seemed weak. It seemed whiney. It didn’t feel like “faith that moves mountains.” It was much easier to rattle off Scripture passages that could tell this man what I believed. So that’s what I did. I tucked away those unpleasant feelings and I impressed this man with how much biblical knowledge I had and how “right” I believed. I kept everything positive… and we both bought it. We only met a couple of times after that and he told me I didn’t need counseling because I was doing just fine.
Just fine?
Over the next several years, those words continued to impact me. “Feelings don’t matter—only beliefs.” I had never really believed my thoughts, opinions or feelings mattered much. The counselor’s advice only strengthened that idea. I believed that my beliefs and behavior were what counted, so I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I took those negative ‘thoughts’ captive and moved on with right behavior to the best of my ability. I studied Scripture for clues on “how to” believe and behave just right.
In 2004, I went through a difficult season that forced me to look at the pain in my life. I won’t go into it here, but suffice it to say, it was one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever dealt with. And the odd thing is, the trigger that forced the pain to the surface wasn’t really that big of a deal all by itself. God, in His mercy, wisdom, and love for me put me into a situation that required me to get completely honest. Ah---and that’s the key, isn’t it? He wants us to be HONEST. He revealed to me how all those times in my life that I thought I was “taking thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ,₁” I was in reality stuffing emotions I didn’t like feeling; and in doing so, I was living a less than honest life.
God desires truth in the deepest parts of who we are…₂
God wants us to be completely honest with him—not impressive. Honest. You and I can go to him with EVERYTHING. If I refuse full disclosure with God (and myself), for the sake of ‘being positive or faith-filled,’ I miss out on the deeper intimacy of knowing God and being known by Him. Just as I can only know my husband to the degree that I know what he thinks and feels, and not just what he does, our ability to know and be known by God in a real relationship is hindered when I miss out on this level of intimacy.
After that experience in 2004, I began viewing Scripture through a different lens. Rather than reading the Bible as a “how to guide,” I began to see the story within the stories. And I realized something else, too: God chose to use people who were imperfect, but REAL. Think about it. David—real. Jeremiah—real. Abraham—real. Esther—real. The disciples—real. (Except for one, and we all know how that turned out!) God used pretty unimpressive people and did very impressive things through them because He had their true selves—the good, the bad, and the ugly. When they were flagging in their faith, they told Him. When they were discouraged and ready to quit, they told him that, too. When they were in awe of Him and His faithfulness, they praised Him sincerely.
God wants to do a real thing in each of us, but He can’t do this until He has the real us to work in and through.
God isn’t waiting for us to be perfect or polished or even “positive”-- especially if it’s all just a façade. He wants us to GET REAL. He invites us into a relationship with Him where the real me meets up with the real Creator of my very being. How can we ever absorb the truth that sets us free if we keep ourselves chained to the shackles of lies and half-truths just for the sake of proving we have faith? How can we be set free if we refuse to trust the very One who has the power to set us free?
It dawned on me during that season in ’04 that all the time I spent thinking I was taking thoughts captive, I was actually just stuffing emotions. I was pretending. I wasn’t being completely honest with myself or with God—much less anyone else! I realized I didn’t really even know myself because I had never allowed myself to be completely honest—I was too busy trying to behave. I began to realize that these emotions God gave me are designed for a purpose and when we keep them from doing what they were created to do, they don’t like it. Eventually, and in one way or another, they surface. Someone once asked me, “So when you went through that experience, God showed you your feelings matter?” And I answered, “NO. It was so much bigger than that. God showed me that I matter (to God)!”
I’m so grateful that In those times when my trust in Him is flagging, I can cry out with honesty, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!³”
And, you know what? He has. He does. He will.
*************************************************
How have you dealt with negative emotions? It’s easy to swing in either direction of extremes: from adopting a negative view of life in general and becoming a complainer, to pretending all is well even when things are falling apart around us. I believe there’s a balance and I believe we can live there—imperfectly, but more and more consistently as we learn to be honest. What about you?
₁ See I Corinthians 10:5
₂See Psalm 51:6
3 See Mark 9:24
