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| Stephen and Shelley Hendrix 2010 |
Be open to Intentionality
By Stephen and Shelley Hendrix
His: I hear it constantly “I can’t believe that I get to be
married to Stephen Hendrix!” This is just one of the many ways that Shelley is
intentional about our relationship. She speaks affirming words on purpose so
that I feel valued and important. Shelley came back from a conference recently
and I know that she loves to come home to fresh clean sheets, so Sunday
morning before church I made sure to put the sheets in the washer. Now, I do
have to mention that the main cover sheet was wrapped up in the comforter and
didn’t get washed but we’re talking about intent, not follow through. She didn't mind a bit. She was honored by the intent.
When
Shelley and I were dating and then in the beginning of our marriage, I noticed
that at every meal we had a jar of pickles on the table. It didn’t matter if we
were having steak or fish sticks, there were pickles on the table. I figured
that Shelley really liked pickles until I noticed that she never ate them. You
see, I like pickles (not with every meal), but I like pickles and this was
Shelley’s way of being intentional about my favorite things. We don’t have
pickles with every meal now but she is still conscious of my favorite things
(like hot sauce) and she does her best to make sure I have them. Intentionality
demonstrates care and concern which helps to create intimacy.
Hers: One comment a lot of long-time married folks say is that you have to work hard to make a marriage work. That sounds inviting, doesn't it?
Stephen and I took our puppy, Annie, on a walk recently and while we were walking, we were talking about this very blog series. I mentioned to him that, for the most part and on most days, I don't view our relationship as something I have to "work" at. It doesn't feel labored. It doesn't make me tired. (Again, I'm talking about MOST days.) But I do believe that we are "intentional."
Stephen and I took our puppy, Annie, on a walk recently and while we were walking, we were talking about this very blog series. I mentioned to him that, for the most part and on most days, I don't view our relationship as something I have to "work" at. It doesn't feel labored. It doesn't make me tired. (Again, I'm talking about MOST days.) But I do believe that we are "intentional."
We adopted something we learned from Pastor Johnny Hunt years ago in regard to his marriage. We used this phrase on our wedding day in the cards we gave out to everyone. It simply said, "Each for the other, and both for the Lord." It was our desire back then, and as we keep this before us, it helps us to be intentional with one another 11 years later.
One way we choose to be intentional is in the way we honor one another in our relationships with others of the opposite sex. We live in a culture saturated by infidelity in many ways, and it is our desire that we remain to be the safest person in the world for one another. With this in mind, we have what Andy Stanley calls "Guard Rails" in place. For example, a guard rail for us is that we don't dine or drive with anyone of the opposite sex unless they are a relative. Another way that we honor one another in this way--intentionally--is that we purposely hold the other in esteem publicly as well as privately (i.e. You won't find us talking about how "hot" some actor or actress is on Facebook or to one another either.)
**Come back Thursday for "The Beauty of Fidelity" where we'll talk about this in more detail.**
Be Open to Intimacy
Intimacy is defined “a
close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with
another person …” Many couples don’t seem to have much problem being close
or physically affectionate (especially men), but how familiar are most couples.
Yes, couples may be familiar with each other on the surface, but are they
familiar with feelings, desires and dreams. Does your spouse feel safe enough
to express feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or shame? If your spouse has a
dream, do you know what it is? Would they risk sharing it with you or would
they feel belittled or silly? How is anger expressed in your relationship? Can
you be vulnerable enough with your spouse to express anger and hurt? Do you
mask it with rage or pretend it’s not there by stuffing it?
One of the greatest gifts we can give to our spouse is to be their safest place on earth. This didn't come easy to us--it still doesn't come easy on some days. We all bring our own "baggage" into a marriage and there ain't nothing like a marriage to reveal just what that baggage is! ;-) Sometimes, in order to learn how to do this, we need the guidance of someone else who is safe. This could be a counselor, a pastor, or another couple. If this is an area in which you desire to grow, but right now feel fearful when your spouse shares a struggle (because you've been wounded before or you don't know how to respond) take this Proverb to heart:
"Where there is no guidance, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety."
Proverbs 11:14
This is what it took for us. We needed the counsel of older, wiser, and grace-filled Believers to help us grasp our new identity--in Christ AND as a couple--and to learn how to trust the Christ in us with our authentic selves. Before "the Fall" in the Book of Genesis, the Bible tells us that the Man Adam and his wife Eve were naked and felt no shame. This is the ideal for marriage: to be fully known and to fully know one another and to feel NO shame. This is why "becoming one" takes time. It's a sad reality that far too many couples give up on this process because of the pain that often accompanies this level of intimacy. But for those who choose to stay in the race, the process, the rewards are absolutely amazing!!
**We hope you have gotten something out of this part of the special series this week that you can implement in your significant relationships--especially with your spouse if you are married. :-) Tomorrow, we'll look at the topic of fidelity. As a woman, I struggled a lot with insecurity in this area because of past wounds. I will share some things I've never shared publicly before and so I invite you to come back for tomorrow's post on this topic. Through deep pain, God brought gracious healing to my heart and soul through the truths of His Word and the faithfulness of His counsel.
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Stephen Hendrix, CADC is the Clinical Programs Officer for the HopeQuest Ministry Group near Atlanta, GA. HopeQuest is a residential ministry for men and women who struggle with life-dominating issues such as drug and alcohol abuse, sexual brokenness, and emotional strongholds. If you would like to find out more about HopeQuest and what it can offer you and/or a loved one, please visit www.hqmg.org
**We hope you have gotten something out of this part of the special series this week that you can implement in your significant relationships--especially with your spouse if you are married. :-) Tomorrow, we'll look at the topic of fidelity. As a woman, I struggled a lot with insecurity in this area because of past wounds. I will share some things I've never shared publicly before and so I invite you to come back for tomorrow's post on this topic. Through deep pain, God brought gracious healing to my heart and soul through the truths of His Word and the faithfulness of His counsel.
******************************************
Stephen Hendrix, CADC is the Clinical Programs Officer for the HopeQuest Ministry Group near Atlanta, GA. HopeQuest is a residential ministry for men and women who struggle with life-dominating issues such as drug and alcohol abuse, sexual brokenness, and emotional strongholds. If you would like to find out more about HopeQuest and what it can offer you and/or a loved one, please visit www.hqmg.org
