The Beauty of Fidelity

Part 4 in the "Love, Romance & Marriage" Series

The Beauty of Fidelity... by Shelley Hendrix

Affairs. Pornography. Infidelity. I realize that not everyone reading this has experienced first-hand the side effects these bring to a significant relationship like marriage; and I am SO thankful there are those out there who haven't. But the sad fact remains that we have all been impacted by at least one person's choice (perhaps our own) to cross a line that had once been declared to be a non-negotiable.

I always want to be so careful how much I share of my personal story when it involves other people and their stories. So, without going into details, I just want to start off by saying that because of the choices others have made in my life and strongholds loved ones have had, as a female, this was a very, very sensitive subject for me most of my life. I wanted to find security in a relationship with a man, but was honestly afraid that wasn't possible. This kept me guarded for a long, long time.

I wondered if a man could ever find me to be enough both in real life and in what he chose to use as "entertainment." I wondered for women if one man could really be enough to satisfy her emotional needs and offer her the security she craved.

So, I set out on a bit of a quest to find out the answer to this question: "If God made us this way, knowing the struggle we would have with it, how is it a good thing that He made us so different from one another?" My husband has said so many times how much he wishes a husband and wife could swap places for even 24 hours in order to understand one another better. We've learned over the past decade + together that God designed marriage in such a way as to help us learn this without having to experience a "Freaky Friday." It just takes time. It takes commitment. And it takes humility--to trust God and to place ourselves under His authority as He works in and through us both as individuals and as a couple.

For me specifically, the first and main topic I wanted to tackle was how in the world it was a good thing that God made my husband to be visually stimulated knowing I would only get older (and deal with all the physical realities of that) while the temptation would always be available in a younger, more beautiful package than I'd be able to offer.

Maybe you've never struggled to understand how this is a good thing. But for those of you who have or still do, I want to invite you to stick around a few minutes while I share my story.

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I knew my friend, *Deborah would have the answer for me. I was in my mid-20's and she in her 50's. Besides that, she was a counselor who had become a trusted friend. As I struggled with this one issue that seemed to always be present in my marriage (especially), I felt confident that Deborah would have the answer that would bring me peace. I asked her, "How is it a good thing that my husband was created to be visually stimulated even though I, as his wife, will only get older and less physically attractive as the years go by? How in the world is this a 'good thing' for me? How in the world can I compete?"

Her answer surprised me. She simply said, "When you figure that out, please let me know. I still struggle with this myself." She recommended a book to me to read (a book by men for men) and as I read the first few chapters it only increased my insecurity. I wanted to throw it across the room and never look at another man again. I'm thankful I kept reading.

Through that book and others, especially God's own Word, God began to reveal some important, life-changing, peace-giving, security-offering truths. This is the first time I've ever shared this part of my journey in a public setting. I hope it helps someone out there in some way:

1) The beauty of fidelity is in the Choice.

I remember a time when my daughter shared with me that she was tempted to do something, knowing she'd get away with it. She knew I'd most likely never find out about this activity and that, as far as she knew, there wouldn't be any painful consequences. But she chose not to do it. When she shared this experience with me, I was overjoyed!! Knowing that she had the opportunity, but chose to do the right thing and chose to honor herself, her family, and her God was a blessing all parents desire. If she had obeyed out of fear of the consequences, that would be one thing. It might keep her safe and I'd be grateful for that; but the fact that she made the choice out of love and respect meant even more.

2) If you aren't given the choice, there is no love. If I didn't have the opportunity to choose my husband again and again every day, then where is the love? I used to wish God would just program a man when he gets married to only be interested in his own wife--like a switch would turn on or off in his brain that would make a woman totally secure in her husband's faithfulness once they said, "I do." It felt safer. I desired a husband who wouldn't even have the ability to find another female attractive. I had been so wounded by this in different ways and it just seemed like God made a mistake in how He designed us.  Maybe it would be safer if God did that; but it would not be love. Love comes when one person chooses another, knowing the option to leave is available to them. Forced love isn't love. Our Heavenly Father knows that if we strive to sin less we may never learn how to love. But when we learn how to love--and this always involves a choice--then we will inevitably sin (i.e. hurt God, ourselves and others) less.

3) When I choose my mate, I allow him/her to become the standard by which others are compared rather than visa-versa.  As I choose Stephen to be the one I allow to meet my needs emotionally--as he is equipped to do so--I am giving him the unique place in my life to be the one who sets the standard of what is attractive to me. And, as Stephen allows me to be the only one he gives his eyes permission to gaze at, enjoy, "etc", he is allowing me to become his standard of beauty. When a man chooses to get his visual stimuli going by multiple images and/or women, his wife will never be able to compete. (Just think of the supermodels who have divorced their cheating husbands!) But when a man chooses, like Job, to make a covenant with his eyes not to look with lust at other women, he is giving his wife an amazing position in his own life.

It always boggles our minds as a couple when we hear people say that physical intimacy within marriage is boring; or that there is a fear it would become boring. Nothing could be further from the truth! The beauty of faithfulness within marriage is in the choice. Every day, I choose Stephen Hendrix all over again. Every day, he chooses me again. This keeps romance, friendship, and passion alive within our relationship.

I have been saying a new thing to him for about a year or so now and it's simply this, "I love 'us'." I love the "us" that God has brought into being; I love the "us" we are today; and I love the "us" we are becoming as we grow in greater intimacy and friendship. I know the enemy of our souls would love nothing more than to come between us as a couple--and boy has he tried! I have a feeling that as I post this, he will do his dead-level best to throw a wrench in this very area, and so I humbly covet your prayers for my marriage.

If you would like for us to pray for you and your marriage, please don't hesitate to let me know. It would be my honor to lift you up. You can email me confidentially and directly at shelley@church4chicks.com

Additionally, if you need someone to walk with you through a challenging season or situation as an individual or as a couple, there are some great resources you can find at www.hqmg.org that I encourage you to look into.

If you are dealing with the painful consequences of infidelity or if pornography is impacting the intimacy in your relationship, another resource I trust is Route1520.com.

*I changed the name out of respect for privacy.

Open Your "I's" Part 3

If you've not read the other posts in this week's special series, I encourage you to check those out while you're here. I've asked my hubby, Stephen Hendrix, to join me in this special series on Love, Romance and Marriage. He has a lot to share! Here is Part 3 of 3 in the "Open Your I's" series.

Stephen and Shelley Hendrix 2010

Be open to Intentionality

By Stephen and Shelley Hendrix

His: I hear it constantly “I can’t believe that I get to be married to Stephen Hendrix!” This is just one of the many ways that Shelley is intentional about our relationship. She speaks affirming words on purpose so that I feel valued and important. Shelley came back from a conference recently and I know that she loves to come home to fresh clean sheets, so Sunday morning before church I made sure to put the sheets in the washer. Now, I do have to mention that the main cover sheet was wrapped up in the comforter and didn’t get washed but we’re talking about intent, not follow through. She didn't mind a bit. She was honored by the intent. 

When Shelley and I were dating and then in the beginning of our marriage, I noticed that at every meal we had a jar of pickles on the table. It didn’t matter if we were having steak or fish sticks, there were pickles on the table. I figured that Shelley really liked pickles until I noticed that she never ate them. You see, I like pickles (not with every meal), but I like pickles and this was Shelley’s way of being intentional about my favorite things. We don’t have pickles with every meal now but she is still conscious of my favorite things (like hot sauce) and she does her best to make sure I have them. Intentionality demonstrates care and concern which helps to create intimacy.

Hers: One comment a lot of long-time married folks say is that you have to work hard to make a marriage work. That sounds inviting, doesn't it?

Stephen and I took our puppy, Annie, on a walk recently and while we were walking, we were talking about this very blog series. I mentioned to him that, for the most part and on most days, I don't view our relationship as something I have to "work" at. It doesn't feel labored. It doesn't make me tired. (Again, I'm talking about MOST days.) But I do believe that we are "intentional."

We adopted something we learned from Pastor Johnny Hunt years ago in regard to his marriage. We used this phrase on our wedding day in the cards we gave out to everyone. It simply said, "Each for the other, and both for the Lord." It was our desire back then, and as we keep this before us, it helps us to be intentional with one another 11 years later. 

One way we choose to be intentional is in the way we honor one another in our relationships with others of the opposite sex. We live in a culture saturated by infidelity in many ways, and it is our desire that we remain to be the safest person in the world for one another. With this in mind, we have what Andy Stanley calls "Guard Rails" in place. For example, a guard rail for us is that we don't dine or drive with anyone of the opposite sex unless they are a relative. Another way that we honor one another in this way--intentionally--is that we purposely hold the other in esteem publicly as well as privately (i.e. You won't find us talking about how "hot" some actor or actress is on Facebook or to one another either.) 

**Come back Thursday for "The Beauty of Fidelity" where we'll talk about this in more detail.**

Be Open to Intimacy

Intimacy is defined “a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person …” Many couples don’t seem to have much problem being close or physically affectionate (especially men), but how familiar are most couples. Yes, couples may be familiar with each other on the surface, but are they familiar with feelings, desires and dreams. Does your spouse feel safe enough to express feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or shame? If your spouse has a dream, do you know what it is? Would they risk sharing it with you or would they feel belittled or silly? How is anger expressed in your relationship? Can you be vulnerable enough with your spouse to express anger and hurt? Do you mask it with rage or pretend it’s not there by stuffing it?

One of the greatest gifts we can give to our spouse is to be their safest place on earth. This didn't come easy to us--it still doesn't come easy on some days. We all bring our own "baggage" into a marriage and there ain't nothing like a marriage to reveal just what that baggage is! ;-) Sometimes, in order to learn how to do this, we need the guidance of someone else who is safe. This could be a counselor, a pastor, or another couple. If this is an area in which you desire to grow, but right now feel fearful when your spouse shares a struggle (because you've been wounded before or you don't know how to respond) take this Proverb to heart: 

"Where there is no guidance, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety."

Proverbs 11:14

This is what it took for us. We needed the counsel of older, wiser, and grace-filled Believers to help us grasp our new identity--in Christ AND as a couple--and to learn how to trust the Christ in us with our authentic selves. Before "the Fall" in the Book of Genesis, the Bible tells us that the Man Adam and his wife Eve were naked and felt no shame. This is the ideal for marriage: to be fully known and to fully know one another and to feel NO shame. This is why "becoming one" takes time. It's a sad reality that far too many couples give up on this process because of the pain that often accompanies this level of intimacy. But for those who choose to stay in the race, the process, the rewards are absolutely amazing!!

**We hope you have gotten something out of this part of the special series this week that you can implement in your significant relationships--especially with your spouse if you are married. :-) Tomorrow, we'll look at the topic of fidelity. As a woman, I struggled a lot with insecurity in this area because of past wounds. I will share some things I've never shared publicly before and so I invite you to come back for tomorrow's post on this topic. Through deep pain, God brought gracious healing to my heart and soul through the truths of His Word and the faithfulness of His counsel. 


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Stephen Hendrix, CADC is the Clinical Programs Officer for the HopeQuest Ministry Group near Atlanta, GA. HopeQuest is a residential ministry for men and women who struggle with life-dominating issues such as drug and alcohol abuse, sexual brokenness, and emotional strongholds. If you would like to find out more about HopeQuest and what it can offer you and/or a loved one, please visit www.hqmg.org

Part 1 Love & Marriage Series by Stephen & Shelley Hendrix #Valentines

*updated

photo by Amelia Grace Photography; used with permission

In honor of Valentine's Day, I asked my husband, Stephen if he would be willing to do a few guest posts with me this week on the topic of Love, Romance, and Marriage. I know you'll really enjoy hearing from him! We kick this off with a three-parter called "Open Your 'I's'"

"Open your I’s"

Be open to the Interests of your spouse

by Stephen Hendrix

January 20, 2011.

It was our 11^th wedding anniversary. Earlier that day Shelley was playing different love songs from her iPhone to commemorate the special occasion. I appreciated the sentiment and enjoyed listening to her sing along as if she was talking to me. We went to lunch, to a movie, hung out for a little while, back to eat dinner and then went to get a puppy (that’s a previous blog). While driving back with our new puppy in the car, I plugged in my iPhone to play something from my playlist, a little country. I put on the Zac Brown Band, Colder Weather (not exactly the best anniversary song). However Shelley remained silent, played with the new puppy and just listened as I sang along (off key of course). The next song that came on was Highway 20 Ride, a song about a divorced father driving Highway 20 between Georgia and Alabama to pick up his son for visitation and then drop him off again (I know, I know, another great choice for an anniversary song). I realized this half way through the song and turned on something like Air Supply. 

My point is not my bad choice of romantic music, even though that is glaringly obvious, my point is that Shelley is not interested in Country music, but she is interested in me. I felt validated, important, and understood. Shelley communicated to me that my thoughts, feelings and opinions mattered to her and therefore I mattered to her. Does your spouse know that they matter to you? Are his or her interests important to you even though they may not interest you?  Guys, watching a chick flick may not be your idea of a night on the town, but it will speak volumes to her. Ladies, you may not know a football from a Frisbee but sitting on the couch with him when his team is down by a field goal in the 4^th Quarter, understanding his tears if they lose and the broken ceiling fan if they win. Patience and understanding can go a long way towards intimacy and that’s the “I” you want to open. 

*What is your spouse interested in? How can you affirm your spouse by communicating to him/her that you are interested in them (even if you don't share the same fondness for the same things)? A little bit can go a really long way to convey honor to the one to whom you said, "I do."

Stephen & Shelley

Come on back for Tomorrow's Post:

Be Open to Instill Hope

By Shelley Hendrix